The Murmatrons

Alas! I fear I may have soiled my breeches.

Apparently American president George W. Bush believes something along the lines of “..businesses that have made bad decisions should go out of business”.

You might think that you'd be forgiven for thinking that you could walk into your local bank and, with presidential blessing, tell them to go and fuck themselves.

You would of course be wrong, but that's only because you haven't yet read this handy guide to the global financial crisis.

So pull on your best blue and white stripey shirt and comfy silk waistcoat (like that cock with the dodgy Dutch accent that was just on the BBC a few minutes ago), crack open another bottle of '47 Cheval Blanc and make sure the keys to the Aston Martin are in the hands of your designated driver as we dive headlong into the aforementioned reasons presented to you in the form of a list.

1. Every now and again all the imaginary money needs to be converted into real money. This is called ‘a correction in the markets’.
2. People living in cardboard boxes without access to medical care is one thing, but this is fucken important - this affects rich people.
3. What's left of the $700 billion after polishing the turd of ‘democratic capitalism’ will buy a new social conscience for every money-grubbing greedy bastard that ever walked the earth and we will all skip and jump into the new utopia. Oh, wait.
4. “Ben! If I've told you once, I've told you 700 billion times - Use the lube!!”
   Would you rather give the money to Ben Bernanke? At least with Hank you know he's good for it and you'll get it back. Hahahahahahahahah!

Reasons 5-10 are currently ‘off-book’ in the form of ordered list-item derivatives and as such are unavailable pending the approval of an innovative rescue package. Please give generously.

In the interim, we leave you with this handy (not to mention colourful) graph which will aid your understanding of the difference between a ‘credit crunch’ and getting fucked over a barrel.

Figure 1. Understanding the Global Financial Crisis in 7 days for dummies in a nutshell.

Murmatron Financial Correspondent